I am not dead, but I'm not alive I traverse a world I hate on my borrowed time, it was a Failed suicide back in February when my Heart stopped beating but still I survived Cause I was tired of my life, sick and alone And I was weary in a place I could not call my home So when I drank 2 bottles, each a 100 tablets I was gonna say goodbye to a world I disowned In this place that I call my home, I wanna Say goodbye to a world I've known, because I'm Sick and tired of life's bullshit Sick and tired of my bullshit My heart stopped beating yet I'm still alive It was in apathy I tried to take my own life Cause I was tired of a world where I could not cry And I was tired of the hope that I could never, ever deny I was in bed when I prepared to die It was the cries of a friend that made me save my life I took an Uber and I went into emergency They took me in almost immediately when I said I was so sleepy that I couldn't walk around I was so tired that I couldn't hear the sound of my Heart monitor, beeping louder than ever I stayed awake but I slipped, I couldn't move my two lips Without any last words I closed my eyes and fell asleep In this place that I call my home, I wanna Say goodbye to a world I've known, because I'm Sick and tired of life's bullshit Sick and tired of my bullshit My heart stopped beating yet I'm still alive It was in apathy I tried to take my own life Cause I was tired of a world where I could not cry And I was tired of the hope that I could never, ever deny When I opened my eyes I was awake There was no one beside me, but the IV and an ache When I sighed, this wasn't the way I wanted to die All alone in a world where I am scared to try to live There was an apathy, still I couldn't feel No remorse or regret, for the trust that I killed I was a, living zombie, better off dead But somehow, still alive - I felt stronger than I'd ever been Bad days, worse days came after I was walking through the fire alone, still on my own I was living in a limbo of trauma that I have known When I decided to get help for the scars that I have sown And I am still bleeding, still bent, but now I'm fighting There are times I wish I'd given up, but I'm still trying And when I, stop moving forward's the day I die I won't hesitate to try, I am still not afraid of death But there are songs to be made, there are people to trust I've been so busy alive, I don't think that I'll try To kill myself, not now, hopefully not ever But the future's unknown, and this won't last forever So if I try to die again, god knows if I will survive But there is hope in a life, when I tried to fight Cause there is apathy, and there's another side to life At the end of the day, I'm all that I've done right In this place that I call my home, I wanna Say goodbye to a world I've known, because I'm Sick and tired of life's bullshit Sick and tired of my bullshit My heart stopped beating yet I'm still alive It was in apathy I tried to take my own life Cause I was tired of a world where I could not cry And I was tired of the hope that I could never, ever deny I was in hospital beds when I thought of my strife It was the death of me that brought me back to life

I dream of fratricide In a place where I'm free, let the monsters hide What the violence speaks to me Mental instability, coping within a fantasy All I ever sought to destroy, was what I let it be In the place of guidance and law, I was defiantly Wishing for a death of a God that had created me I dream of violence behind these walls (It was just a mistake) Bones cracking, screaming within these halls (All the scars that remain) I would never hurt you, like you did me I don't want to break you, like I have been I dream of violence behind these walls In a past long forgotten, like the paths left untrodden You took the burden of the wrath you felt on objects like me Feigning un-emotion, apathetic of the problem All I was to you was like a plate you shattered on the ground That's all I've ever been, just a cog in the system Part of something generational that I "don't understand" Kill the child in me, kill all I could ever be I will have my revenge when I have cried myself to sleep I will have my revenge, when I finally find peace I dream of violence behind these walls (You had misbehaved) Bones cracking, screaming within these halls (Never asked to be made) I would never hurt you, like you did me I don't want to break you, like I have been I dream of violence behind these walls In the end, all I have to say (I won't be like you, I won't be like -) When you're dead, what is left for you? (You said God's your judge, you said God's your judge) All the times that you hurt me, I did not fight All the scars that you gave me, I will not hide I dream of violence, but I won't die Break the chain I was forged in, break away from the hate Second chances are rare, but I will change my fate If I need medication, if this means I am insane I will gladly be confined so I could start again I'm already dead, I live on borrowed time I chant in bitterness the life I don't want them to suffer I am my father's daughter, but I refuse to be him Dreams of violence won't kill who I have chosen to be I dream of violence behind these walls (It was just a mistake) Bones cracking, screaming within these halls (All the scars that remain) I would never hurt you, like you did me I don't want to break you, like I have been I dream of violence behind these walls

A little bit like a mystery, the voices in my head A little bit of my misery, she frowns as she says The things I live by are not things that they would dare understand The girl that guides me is a friend that I could never have planned Dissociative, the doctor puts my feet on the ground I've never hated, the system that had given me sound When I was younger these delusions weren't always the same Now that I have a name, I know that I won't ever be sane And there were five of us, each one a facet of myself No one that guided us, but we were standing by ourselves I am not crazy, but acceptance won't just let me come clean These personalities won't ever be apart from me A little bit like a mystery, the voices in my head A little bit of my misery, he nods as he says The things I take for granted, I could not dare live without The man that guides me is a friend that I could never doubt Dissociative Identity, I was just a kid With no strength to retaliate, I could not forgive Abuse I don't remember, and the trauma that I do Gave me strength through the voices that I could never subdue Elizabeth, Cube, and my unconscious pursuit Of a god that would love me, and a kid un-abused Made remains of a memory, I dare not see through In the time of a childhood that I could never undo A little bit like a mystery, the voices in my head A little bit of my misery, they smile as they said I never doubted for a minute that you'd leave our side The voice that guides me is a mask that I never could pry But let me scream, all I wanted was to be by myself When I cry, I don't hear my own voice saying these words I had to lie, if I'm crazy I don't wanna be here I cannot die, when the others try to keep me from fear All my life All my life All my life, I Tried to hear Tried to do What they wanted me to be In my mind In my mind In my mind, I Cannot be Cannot do What they wanted me to do A little bit like a mystery, the voices in my head A little bit of my misery, it screamed when I said I want to be who I am, I want to live like they are The voices echoed in my head that I won't be on my own Dissociative Identity, I was just a kid With no strength to retaliate, I could not forgive Abuse I don't remember, and the trauma that I do Gave me strength through the voices that I could never subdue Elizabeth, Cube, and my unconscious pursuit Of a god that would love me, and a kid un-abused Made remains of a memory, I dare not see through In the time of a childhood that I could never undo Dissociative Identity, identity Dissociative Identity, I was just a kid Dissociative Identity, I could not forgive Dissociative Identity, I was just a kid With no strength to retaliate Abuse I don't remember A god that would love me A god that would love me, love me, love me Made remains of a memory, I dare not see through In the time of a childhood that I could never undo

Dear diary I dug my grave again They think I'm happy but I can't seem to pretend Dear diary I think I'm still depressed It should be obvious, I've got no reason to stress But when the night comes in, and the room gets dark I find myself stuck in this hole that I'm digging for myself (Again and again) Cause I can't seem to change, and I can't seem to be free Even though the storm has passed there's still rain falling on me I am scared to change, I am scared of happiness I'll admit that, in a grave that I continue to dig The depression gets deeper, every time I think I'm through There's no light at the end, when I look through this view And I want to be happy, yeah I know I want to change But I'm terrified of ever coming out of this cage So spare me the pain, this inner turmoil of mine Medication will not help unless I want to be fine I am scared of love, I am scared of trust I am scared to change cause if I fall I know I won't get out (Again and again) And I can't seem to change, and I can't seem to be free Even though the storm has passed there's still rain falling on me I am scared to change, I am scared of happiness I'll admit that, in a grave that I continue to dig Dear diary I dug my grave again They think I'm happy but I can't seem to pretend Dear diary, when is enough, enough I know I want to move, but lag behind with every step Despair is quicksand here, I am walking as I sink But I'll be damned if I let my fears become the best of me Let me think before I move, let me plan my own escape I'll rely on this rope, that leads outside of this maze Anger fuel me through, I will live even in spite I will not let myself die, in this broken state of mind I will not let myself die, in this broken state of mind (Again and again) In this broken state of mind Although I can't seem to change, and I can't seem to be free The storm has passed and there is no rain that is falling on me I am scared to change, I am scared of happiness I'll admit that, in a grave that I am digging to be free

I can't sleep, the night's growing longer everyday Any dreams that I have will become nightmares as I I take more medication, antipsychotics are my drug Gotta sleep before the panic, the panic sets in Now as I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take And I can't sleep Panic disorder, I close my eyes and try and fail To fall asleep through the night, nocturnal panic attacks Wake me up - I keep falling and I can't get up Night terrors, nightmares, another attack To top it off when I wake up, I wake up exhausted I will rest when I die, I will rest when I die Every night is the same, when will it ever leave me be All I want is a night where I can rest in peace And my trial of death, just leaves me tired and scared If I can't even sleep then god just let me die right now I just want to rest! I just wanna be unconscious I don't care for dreams, I'd rather sleep like death So I drink pills to sleep, I need pills to fucking sleep I can't try to relax, as my reality starts to crack Antipsychotics are my drug, withdrawal symptoms with any of my luck With this sickness I'm broken and I'm scared That if I drop them I will be ill prepared Antipsychotics are my drug, withdrawal symptoms with any of my luck With this sickness I'm broken and I'm scared That if I drop them I will not be prepared To sleep Panic disorder, I close my eyes and try and fail To fall asleep through the night, nocturnal panic attacks Wake me up - I keep falling and I can't get up Night terrors, nightmares, another attack To top it off when I wake up, I wake up exhausted I will rest when I die, I will rest when I die I cannot deal with my lack of sleep, hallucinations And I can't deal with the fact I get nocturnal attacks But the worst aren't the nightmares, or waking up exhausted It's these dreams that I can't handle, these sweet dreams of you Maybe I'd rather see nightmares, I think I would be less afraid And I'd rather have attacks, before I see your face It's the pain that I can't take, dreams of trust and maybe love When I know that you are better off, with somebody else Somebody else Somebody else But can I not think about that, for one waking moment I just want to fucking shut my eyes and drift off to sleep Fuck these nightmares I am tired of their violence and Fuck these panic attacks, I'm unhinged 'cause of them And I will fucking die before I get any peace I just want to fucking sleep, I just wanna fucking sleep Now it's 3 am, I'm looking up at the ceiling Feel like I'm dead and inside and I still cannot fall asleep Panic disorder, I close my eyes and try and fail To fall asleep through the night, nocturnal panic attacks Wake me up - I keep falling and I can't get up Night terrors, nightmares, another attack To top it off when I wake up, I wake up exhausted I will rest when I die, I will rest when I die Now as I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take

Involuntarily hospitalized, I am alone in a locked room A holding cell for the freaks Physical symptoms of stress, an apathetic view on life Cue a hotline calling ambulances heading to my place Not a choice to be made, just the time to get ready I am put into a holding cell with screams surrounding me And the nurses come and go, there's no doctor to be seen Symptoms worsening as I remain still locked up in a cell Been some hours now, some guy's been staring me down Screams resound as all the patients try to prove they're not insane And I shut my mouth, I hug my knees in the corner With my back to the wall, I don't feel safe here at all If I was able to fight it, if I was strong enough to run I begin to shake as I wish I were anywhere but here Paranoia, fear, a lack of music! I am breathless in the corner, killing, killing, killing my screams All the violence brings, the ones who fight and ones who flee When the headlights shine on me, I can only freeze And I hate myself! I hate that I can't fight back Even when the crisis passes I still cower in fear When the opening comes, and when I get my chance to flee I know my feet will not move, as I condemn what's left of me "Calm down, take some more medicine" "There is no space in the other wards, and you're unwell" I look up to the nurse, the hard glint's still in my eyes If they were really here to help me I would not be locked up I do not trust in their actions, they have no trust in me Fed with sedatives I hide away and cry beyond their sight But I can't scream for help, I always feared the retribution If I go out of line, I'll be insane in their eyes What next? More drugs? Or higher security? With no option to speak, I can only listen Double-locked metal doors, no explanation or a reason Concrete walls and plastic windows suffocate me here Paranoia, fear, a lack of music! I am breathless in the corner, killing, killing, killing my screams All the violence brings, the ones who fight and ones who flee When the headlights shine on me, I can only freeze And I hate myself! I hate that I can't fight back Even when the crisis passes I still cower in fear When the opening comes, and when I get my chance to flee I know my feet will not move, as I condemn what's left of me I'm allowed to leave, the doctor's signed I'm good to go Shaking under my skin, I smile, reading his notes As I read my new prescription, just a higher dose I write off the possibility of ever coming back I pull up my mask, and take a taxi back home I've been writing this the moment I had given myself a chance Institutionalized, I now fear deviance I balance on a thread that they call social normalcy If I fall, no one can catch me Yet I'm scared to ask for help, I am scared, I am scared and alone. So if I get out of here, if I reach the end alive I will look back on this day and wonder how I survived Paranoia, fear, a lack of music! I am breathless in the corner, killing, killing, killing my screams All the violence brings, the ones who fight and ones who flee When the headlights shine on me, I can only freeze And I hate myself! I hate that I can't fight back Even when the crisis passes I still cower in fear When the opening comes, and when I get my chance to flee I know my feet will not move, as I condemn what's left of me Involuntarily hospitalized I am alone in a locked room A holding cell for the freaks There is no freedom for monsters There is no use for the weak

(All I wanted was to love my life) (And I don't love my life but I try, I try, and I try) (All I wanted was to love myself) (And I don't love myself but I try, I try, and I try) It's the little things, little things that help me trust There's a feeling I can't explain - they call it love I know I opened up first, yeah I probably overshared But the trust that you gave me showed me that you cared And I've wanted to trust someone, ever since that day Although I cannot forget, as I watch you walk away All the words that you gave me, all the secrets that we shared I will cherish them forever even if you're not there So teach me how to love, teach me how to trust Teach me how to live, teach me how to feel, because I am Still afraid to love, still afraid to trust And I cannot live inside a body I can't feel Denial is the longest stage of grief I am living in a world on my own two feet I need to, teach myself how to trust, teach myself how to love Teach myself cause I'm the only one responsible for me And if there comes a day where I can finally trust Where I can love myself, when I do love my life I will stand tall and wave goodbye to it all I'm the hopeful one was what they always said to me I will learn to love myself, I will stand up on my own In the end this is my life and it's the life I know I have chosen this path, and I will walk it 'til I die I won't deviate, I thought I'd never say goodbye Melancholic to the past I review memories as Lenses tainted in stained glass reflect and refract Perfect imagery, standards I could never reach But I need to put it down before that's all I could see So teach me how to love, teach me how to trust Teach me how to live, teach me how to feel, because I am Still afraid to love, still afraid to trust And I cannot live inside a body I can't feel Denial is the longest stage of grief I am living in a world on my own two feet I need to, teach myself how to trust, teach myself how to love Teach myself cause I'm the only one responsible for me And if there comes a day where I can finally trust Where I can love myself, when I do love my life I will stand tall and wave goodbye to it all I'm the hopeful one was what they always said to me Teach me how to love, teach me how to trust, teach me how to Teach me how to live, teach me how to feel, because I am Still afraid to love, still afraid to trust And I cannot live inside a body I can't feel, I can't feel All I wanted was to love my life And I don't love my life but I try, I try, and I try All I wanted was to love myself And I don't love myself but I try, I try, and I try Denial is the longest stage of grief I am living in a world on my own two feet I need to, teach myself how to trust, teach myself how to love Teach myself cause I'm the only one responsible for me Denial is the longest stage of grief I am living in a world on my own two feet I need to, teach myself how to trust, teach myself how to love Teach myself cause I'm the only one responsible for me And if there comes a day where I can finally trust Where I can love myself, when I do love my life I will stand tall and wave goodbye to it all I'm the hopeful one was what they always said to me

Of all the things I could dream about it had to be you Of all the people that I could've loved it had to be you Love makes me want to die, makes me want to die You make me want to try, you make me want to try to Of all the things I could dream about it had to be you Of all the people that I could've loved it had to be you I don't want you to suffer, I don't want you to hurt I told myself that for your smile I would do anything And I am still confused! I still don't know what to do If I touch you it will break and these illusions will fade I want you to be happy, I don't want you to hurt I told myself that for your smile I would do anything And I just want to hold you, tell you everything's alright I couldn't reach out if I wanted to and it makes me cry This is all one-sided, and I'm the fool that fell in love When I wake up after dreams, love makes me want to die I remember your voice, and that stupid fucking grin Cracking jokes that weren't funny but we thought they were Still remember your laughter, still remember that smile How loud your voice gets when you open up and say those fucking words Why do you still haunt me, its been months since I gave up However hard I shut it down these feelings never fucking die And I know that you left, but it still feels like you'll come back When I give up hope I know that things will never be the same Please just leave me be, but please don't leave me alone All I ever want is out of reach as I watch from afar All I ever want was never mine and still I lost it all And I am still confused! I still don't know what to do If I touch you it will break and these illusions will fade I want you to be happy, I don't want you to hurt I told myself that for your smile I would do anything And I just want to hold you, tell you everything's alright I couldn't reach out if I wanted to and it makes me cry This is all one-sided, and I'm the fool that fell in love When I wake up after dreams of you, love makes me want to die I am tired now, apathetic and in bed When I think of you I turn the volume up on my phone But the music doesn't drown out what I feel in my heart Such a longing that I never knew that I could ever feel There is hope where its needed, and then there's what I have I could dream all I want, but one day I will wake up You are not coming back, and I know I will not force you By the day I know you're still alive I hope that you're in love And it pains me to write this, and it pains me to think I've been putting off the truth, for as long as I could But you're not coming back, and there was no love there I was just a friend that you knew you could trust to talk to I accept this fate, but my heart still keeps on beating Every movement is painful, and these emotions will not fade But I'll soldier on until the day that I can forget I will soldier on until the day I'm finally dead But I am still confused! I still don't know what to do If I touch you it will break and these illusions will fade I want you to be happy, I don't want you to hurt I told myself that for your smile I would do anything And I just want to hold you, tell you everything's alright I couldn't reach out if I wanted to and it makes me cry This is all one-sided, and I'm the fool that fell in love When I wake up after dreams of you, love makes me want to die Love makes me want to die, makes me want to die You make me want to try, you make me want to try to Love makes me want to die, makes me want to die But you make me want to try, you make me want to live

Melancholic, but not sad I gazed into the night sky walking back home to my apartment flat My earphones still in my pockets I was alone with my thoughts There was this smell in the air that made me think of home Not a place that I liked, nor a place I remember When I looked up for a sign I saw the stars above It's the little things that get me, little details in this world All grounded in today while I still live in the past Although I've bent to the weight, and I can't stand to face the truth Melancholic but not sad, I see the stars above It feels like years since I've been there, in a place I thought was safe Kinda funny how I lost what I had clung to the most In a fire of abandon, all my bridges burned to ash On a cliff there was a crumbling road but no way home If I turn back I will fall, if I stay here I will die No incentive to live, yet I trudge on my way Without an end to this path, all I want is to go home There's no exit in sight, and yet I cling onto hope It's the little things that get me, little details in this world All grounded in today while I still live in the past Although I've bent to the weight, and I can't stand to face the truth Melancholic but not sad, I see the stars above Melancholic, but not sad I gazed into the night sky walking back home to my apartment flat My earphones still in my pockets I was alone with my thoughts There was this smell in the air that made me think of home Melancholic but not sad, feels like its been forever I've always walked towards a sanctuary I've never known Melancholic but not sad, either give up or go The day I stop moving forward, is the day that I die Melancholic but not sad, I keep on looking up It's the details that will get to me, until the very end. I am bleeding and I'm bent - but somehow I am not broken Melancholic but not sad, I see the stars above It's the little things that get me, little details in this world All grounded in today while I keep moving forward Though I don't know what's in store - though I know I may give up There is some peace in the idea that I did what I could I will fight until the end - it's the way I want to go Melancholic but not sad, I keep on walking on Melancholic but not sad, I keep on looking up Melancholic but not sad, I see the stars above

In a reality where, the sky is grey and clouds loom over Put your headphones on and replay the same tracks again Under button eyes, my posters hanging off the wall I stay home and work a boring job that I don't care for Under quarantine, cast away for jumping ship I am all alone as music repeats in my ears And it makes things better, although I face my own decay All five tracks rewind as I delve into fantasy again All these sounds in my head, they never cease as I fade out When reality is dead the music makes it better Time and time again, when isolation takes its toll Entertain a feeling I cannot cut off from me Although I know I may fade, and leave my body to decay In a lyric I have found a life that I would like to live With a song I keep my chin up as I drown in my own skin Tired, washed away - in a world of only grey Concrete fills my vision as I make my way to groceries In the produce section, blinding lights that never blink I put on my earphones turning up the volume on my phone It's familiar by now, words I know keep flowing in Tales of others written to a tune that I now recognize Same 5 tracks again, lining up to the cashier As I close my eyes I take in songs and put my life on pause All these sounds in my head, they never cease as I fade out When reality is dead the music makes it better Time and time again, when isolation takes its toll Entertain a feeling I cannot cut off from me Although I know I may fade, and leave my body to decay In a lyric I have found a life that I would like to live Within melodies I've seen paths I'd like to lead With a song I keep my chin up as I drown in my own skin Mundane Monday's, pass me by Another week where I cannot sigh Thursday has come and I know I've tried Almost the weekend, then I can write Almost the weekend, then I can thrive Mundane Monday's, pass me by Another week where I cannot sigh Thursday has come and I know I've tried Almost the weekend, then I can write Almost the weekend, then I can thrive All these sounds in my head, they never cease as I fade out When reality is dead the music makes it better Time and time again, when isolation takes its toll Entertain a feeling I cannot cut off from me Although I know I may fade, and leave my body to decay In a lyric I have found a life that I would like to live Within melodies I've seen paths I'd like to lead With a song I keep my chin up as I drown in my own skin In a reality where, the sky is grey and clouds loom over Put your headphones on and replay the same tracks again And it makes things better, although I fight my own decay All five tracks rewind as I face this reality ahead

Still tired, still scared, still angry I am living a life that only I can carry Even though I am scared, I will prevail Through this storm I will stay, despite my fears Even though I am tired, I will remain Through the dark I will still, still stay alive In this life that I live, I choose to face myself or die Say the truth once more, I know I have to stay alive Through a cyclical mind, I suffer from this depression But death will not be the answer, to isolation I've chosen So live through, survive, against all the odds In trauma I was forged but I am not what they have wrought There is a difference when I know that I can be something else There is some hope when I am fighting to believe in myself There is hurt in my life, there is sadness in these words I was so desperate for closure, I forgot myself I will live, die, I will fight by your side Through these songs I face my truth, while I fight to survive And I fight to stay alive I will fight to stay alive Even though I am scared, I will prevail Through this storm I will stay, despite my fears Even though I am tired, I will remain Through the dark I will still, still stay alive Still tired, still scared, still angry I am living a life that only I can carry Still hopeful, still bent, but not bleeding Despite my fears I'll prevail, against the odds I'm still alive Still tired, still scared, still angry I am living a life that only I can carry Still hopeful, still bent, but not bleeding Despite my fears I'll prevail, against the odds I will survive Even though I am scared, I will prevail Through this storm I will stay, despite my fears Even though I am tired, I will remain Through the dark I will still, still stay alive